No really, it is me, not you… How many times have we said that in our lives? We try to spare them the pain, the truth… The last few months have been extremely difficult for me. Both physically and emotionally. I’m falling down the rabbit hole, trying to catch myself on the way down.
“Do you love me?”, “
Do you want me?”,
“Do you find me attractive?”
“Do you want to break up?”,
“Has my tube made you not want me?”;
“Why do you stay?”
….. these are all texts my boyfriend has gotten over the last two months. The need for reassurance strong, the overwhelming fear of rejection, or abandonment. Feeling that I’ll somehow embarrass him, that he deserves a prettier, healthier partner. Not someone like me, someone that is fed through a tube, someone that will need a colostomy. Deserve someone that could workout, travel the world with him. Someone he”d be proud of, someone he’d be proud to show off to the world. I know my texts like those are annoying, I know they’re frustrating. Just know, i’m trying my best to stand strong. I have my good days, then I have my bad. Days where I’m confident as hell, rocking my new shorts; then there’s days where I cry, and wonder why he stays. His answer is always the same; “I love you. why wouldn’t I stay?”... Well, I’m a mess, I cry, I laugh, I get angry, i’m insecure. Yet he looks past it and helps me see through the emotions.
My therapist is working with me on positive thinking, raising myself up. Knowing my worth, finding my best assets, and acknowledging them. I’m trying to stand tall, I’m trying to read my list, i’m trying to not annoy him with my texts, but I know lately i’m failing. I know my weird, incessant, insecure questions are frustrating. I know my snarky comments about other things are hurtful. Yet he never gets angry, never yells at me or puts me down. He simply listens and reassures me. He tells me he expected this, expected me to freak out over this, he expected this emotional mess. He prepared for it. He took the initiative to know and understand that after this surgery I will struggle, and he’s ensured he was right here encouraging and reassuring me.
When I ask why, he says it’s so simple, Love. Love is why he stays, love is why he pushes me. Even as frustrated as I cause him to get, he never walks away. Never makes me feel bad about myself. We’re doing this long distance, and he strives to make time for me every single morning for FaceTime. He makes me a priority.
I know lately I don’t seem grateful, but please know I am. Please know i’m struggling with my emotions and insecurities. I don’t mean the harsh words, or the accusations, or that i’m pushing you away. I don’t want to push you away. I don’t know how to get over this hump. I don’t know how to articulate to you how i’m feeling. I’m scared, i’m vulnerable, i’m not as strong right now. I’ll get through this, I just need time and your unending love and support.
We often think we’re unworthy, or we often try to hide our pain, or emotions from our partners. Please don’t do that. We need to be honest, and communicate what we’re feeling, what we’re going through. Doing this allows us to build our relationship, grow it even deeper.
So please know, it’s really not you. It’s me, it’s my insecurities, it’s my fear driving this wedge with us. Please see past it, and please know that from the bottom of my heart, thank you. Thank you for your unending support, and love.