Dear Me….Epiphanies

slide_2

I’ve fallen down the rabbit whole again. I’m trying to see my way out, but it’s imploding, it’s falling. I work so hard to uplift others, to help others see their worth, I’ve lost sight of my own. This has been an ongoing battle for me for months. It’s been a rollercoaster. Some days i’m confident, others, I’m not.

Last week it imploded. Last week my insecurities pushed away the one person I never wanted to push away, the one person I never wanted to lose. Sometimes what we say about ourselves, affects those closest to us.

The last week and a half has been an emotional hell for me, I’m not sure how he felt. I imagine he were hurt, angry, and felt defeated. Last Monday, knowing I caused this massive rift, that I caused us to implode was devastating. Realizing I was losing him was heartbreaking. I cried, i’ve cried every day. I’ve spent that last 8-9 days thinking, reflecting, wondering how to fix this, if I even could.
I posted in my feeding tube group asking for guidance. A lovely lady named Debbie laid it out for me.

He is Telling you the problem!! Most relationships are not so straight forward. You have so many positive things in this relationship… Focus more on being very assertive with what your therapist is teaching you to stop the self sabotaging.

In his shoes, I burn out on trying to convince someone over and over again why I chose to be with them.., or even why I am a friend to someone. It’s too much of a struggle that sours the joy of the relationship.

I know it’s based on your own skewed view of yourself… Your sense of attractiveness… And your own insecurities.

But for your partner it’s a constant criticism of the person they have chosen to love and share their life with! And a constant put down to their ability to make good choices…. Which wears him down and creates self doubt in Him.

It also just gets old having to always justify your choices in life. If he’s constantly having to reprove himself, reprove his love, reprove his commitment… He never gets to reap the benefits of just enjoying the life he wants with you. He’s stuck recourting you daily. He’s being denied the pay off of enjoying a shared committed relationship which you can rely on and depend on. He’s always on his toes trying to prove himself over and over again.

Nothing he does ever seems to make a dent or make a difference in how you trust him.,, you keep doubting him. And he can’t do anything that matters enough that it sticks. So every day he’s walking on eggshells waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under him…. Again. And he can’t do anything “enough” that you will believe he still loves you from day 1 to day 2 … He should have some security to ensure that you will fundamentally know he still loves you from day 1 to day 100 to day 1000. Even when there is a crisis and he must put his energy elsewhere. Even when he’s sick and can’t put forth the extra effort to reassure you multiple times a day and re prove himself.

He’s trying to make an investment in you. But you keep resetting the clock back to the starting line. Nothing he does lets the relationship to progress towards a solid future. He will always be challenged by the pattern he’s experiencing with you.

——-

I know for you this is about Your sense of worth and attractiveness.  I know this is about your internal struggle with insecurity and Fear.

Fear kills love.

My statements above are not to criticize you. They are to give you insight into how this makes Him feel.

You may be willing to beat yourself up all day long! But I bet you would never go around tear down another person all day long.

What you have not connected is that your self attacks ARE putting him down.

An analogy would be if he buys you a brand new car for your 1yr anniversary…. And then every single day after the anniversary you ask: so what did you get me today?
Day after day after day.

Or everyday you complain about every feature of his gift: the colors not right, it’s not got the features you want, the seat never fits like it should, you just don’t like how it looks on you….

Can you see how that type of complaining would wear a person down??

Yes your complaints are about yourself… And the physical flaws that bother you are real and rooted in Actual visible physical impairments!! All with Drs to validate their existence!

But to him… You are criticizing the beautiful woman he loves. You are saying that he would not allow anyone else to say. And since he can’t get mad at You, he’s going to turn this inward and come to believe that nothing he does can ever make any difference. There is nothing he can do to ever be “enough” in this scenario.

Therapy is good …. But you need to make a gargantuan effort to push past your insecurities or you won’t have him. Fake it till you make it if you have to… And I Never think that’s a good path. But you need to try it!!

This guy sounds like he has pushed through a lot. If he’s telling you and showing you that’s he’s at his breaking point, Believe what he’s telling you/showing you.

 I cried as read her words. I’ve read them repeatedly since. What I wasn’t realizing that by doing what I was doing, I was making HIM feel that he isn’t good enough. That no matter how much he says how beautiful I am, or how much he loves me, It’s being felt to him as he’s not enough. His words aren’t enough. They are, they always have been, i’ve just been blinded. Blinded by my own flaws, my own insecurities. What I couldn’t see was, he’s never thought twice standing by my side. Never thought twice of loving me. He just does, effortlessly. It gets old, having to constantly prove you’re there, that you’re not going anywhere. He keeps trying to move forward, and I keep resetting the clock. It’s not fair to him. It’s not fair to both of us.
insecure-quotes-tumblr-entertaining-insecurities-qoutes-outstanding-7
So this past week, I turned inward. I picked myself apart. I did a lot of soul searching.  I am by no mean 100%, but i’m definitely alot better than I was a week ago. When I was confronted with a situation, that would have made me immediately jump into insecurities, I didn’t. Because in that moment I realized I have no reason to be insecure.  He has proven over and over he finds me attractive, how much he loves me.  Not to say there aren’t some small insecurities, because there are, but I didn’t immediately jump into insecure mode, or accusations. I just dismissed them, because I know HIM, his heart and love.
I confronted the fact that when I left I wanted to protect him from being hurt, for being disappointed in me, or not wanting to deal with my health, but what I didn’t realize was I was hurting him by leaving. I was hurting him by NOT staying, by not trusting in him, in his love and in us. I can’t make that decision for him, I can’t make the decision on what he can or can’t handle. As a team, we decide. This time, He said to me; “You want an out, you want me to tell you it’s ok to go so you won’t feel like an asshole. Then go. Just f******g go”… At that moment I knew. I knew I’d never walk away again, I’d never make that decision again.
My tubes, what I hated so much. What I couldn’t see, they are what give me life. They are why i’m here, walking, being a mom and a partner to him. They are what gives my body the nutrients it’s starving of. How could I hate that which is giving me life? I can’t. They’re a part of me, they’re not the sole identity of me. I lost sight of that. He saw that though. He saw I was getting so wrapped up in them, they were becoming what they shouldn’t have been.
My insecurities were eating me alive, what I didn’t realize, they were destroying our relationship, they were destroying him as well. They were planting seeds of doubt, seeds of insecurity in him. I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to be stronger, sassier, full of life like I used to be, and I will be. Every day is progress. Every day is a step towards my phoenix arising from the ashes.
As hard as this has been, I needed this. I needed this push, I needed this wake up call from hell before I lost that which I never want to lose, myself. I’m flawed, I’m scarred, I’m imperfect, but from all that, for the first time in a long time, I’m confident in who I am.

I’m confidently imperfectly beautiful.

beautyofimperfection

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s