Insecurities are a real…..

 

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Insecurities are a real bitch. They suck. They suck the love, joy and happiness from you. They can destroy you, your relationship and your happiness. “Just be confident”.. People say.. Don’t you think i’ve tried that?? Do you think I like being this insecure, scared person?? 5 years ago I was so confident. I knew who I was, what I wanted, and I wasn’t holding back. Now, I’m terrified, scared and emotionally fragile.. What happened you ask… well i’ll break it down.

I left someone I loved and whom loved me unconditionally, and wholeheartedly. Simply because I felt I wasn’t worthy. I felt I didn’t deserve this amazing person that loved me so fiercely. I was told i’d be wheelchair bound, I ignored the doctors, I was determined to walk down the aisle to him, come hell or high water. In the end, I left. The fear, the uncertainty, the unworthiness I felt, overpowered his love. At what point would he grow tired and leave? At what point would he finally realize I dragged him down, that I embarrassed him?? So, I left first. Defense Mechanism. I didn’t stop to think what this would do to him, or me in the long run. I didn’t think how this would affect him emotionally. I buried myself. Locked who I am deep inside. I was this vibrant, confident, headstrong, sexual person. I locked her away… I became unsure, quiet, reserved… Why?? Because That me, wasn’t his me… That me, wasn’t the me he brought out and encouraged. If I lost sight of the other me, the real me, it wouldn’t hurt so bad, not being his. This new, reserved me… the repercussions are immense. I lost me. I lost my confidence, my strength, my vibrant self. For what? I lost love, for what? Fear?? It’s bullshit in all honesty.

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One of my good friends tried to tell me, she tried to warn me. I shut her out…. Years later she and I have reconnected, just as He and I have… This fear… I wanted to shed it. I was slowly embracing the real me again. The me I used to be. Loud, vibrant, confident, secure in who she was and in her relationship…… Then it all came crashing down.. So so hard. In March, I had my life rocked. Words spoken by people I trusted, people I leaned on. This had a rippling affect… So many ripples.

This feeding tube.. .this device that is essentially keeping me alive is destroying my confidence. Why?? Why am I letting it?? Why am I losing sight of everything again? Why is the fear so prominent?? Today, today I nearly lost him. Today he told me to have a good life, because he’s obviously not what I want… I screamed, I yelled, I cried. Because for 7 damn years he’s who i’ve loved. He’s who I imagined walking down the aisle to. He has been my cheerleader for years. He has been there for every step along the way, even when we were apart. Just him. He and I are like Yin and Yang… Peanut butter and jelly… We’re Us… We always have been. We’re like Noah and Allie finding our way back to each other…. Today…today was almost the end. Today my best friend Aly tried to soothe me, calm me and reassure me. I couldn’t be soothed. I couldn’t be calmed. I was heartbroken. I think everyone saw the cracks forming. Everyone warned me of what my insecurities would do… That was the one thing he said he couldn’t handle, the constant negative talk about myself… the constant putting myself down… comparing myself to other women… women without tubes, ports, limps… healthy women, pretty women, skinny women… All that I’m not… Would he get tired and want that?? Would he see me and just not want me anymore?? Would he rather one of the “barbies” from before me?

 

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What triggered this spiral… a simple request from him…. Complete and utter trust… Trust with my heart. I trust him with my life.. trusting him with my Heart… Knowing he is the one person that would have all of me, mind, body, heart and soul…The ultimate power to emotionally hurt me..Holding it back, not giving all of it, it protects me. It gives me “control”…Trusting him so completely, trusting him so fully, and immensely with the one treasured thing, my heart. How do I do that? How do I open that up to him? How do I let go of the fear, of the absolute terror? Do I think he’d hurt me? Never, not intentionally. The thought of opening up, of letting him in completely, what if he proves me wrong? That I AM worthy? That I AM deserving?? That I AM this amazingly beautiful and so full of life person?? What if all these things i’ve thought of myself for years are proven wrong?? I’ve spent so much building up and saying what i’m not, that what if I am these things? What if I am this beautiful, and loving person? What if I am this sexy, confident person?? Can I still be that, with my feeding tubes, with my port, with my cane?? The only person saying I can’t, is me… My insecurities.

That’s  my life.. For three days a week, I run IV Fluids for 4 hours, and Every day I run feeds for 16-18 hours… This is Me….This is what I see. This is what he should see, but doesn’t. How can he see all this, and still love me? How can he see it and still think i’m beautiful and sexy? I want to see what he sees. I want to see what everyone else sees.

On the other hand, what if it doesn’t work? The fear, the absolute heartbreak is crushing. Am I so afraid that I can’t trust completely? Am I so scared that i’m willing to lose love? I have a chance at love, a second chance at a really great love. Not everyone gets a chance at love like this, and here I have a second chance… And what am I doing? I’m letting it slip away. I’m slowly losing myself, I’m losing everything. I’m working so hard to stop, i’m trying to rebuild myself. The fear, it’s so there. How can I let it go? How can I love me again. How can I do this??? One day at a time… That’s how. Through the love, support and encouragement of friends, that’s how. I need to see myself as everyone else does. I need to realize my worth, realize how worthy I am of this love. Of all the good in my life.

Insecurities are a bitch. We all have them. We all struggle, just varying degrees of it. Some of us let it control us, let is shape us, affect our relationships. It’s so hard to be strong enough to resist, strong enough to overcome it. Trust.. It’s such a word we toss around, but when it comes down to it, do we have that in our lives? Do we fully trust people? Trust them with all of us?? Do we take that leap? The leap of faith and trust. The trust isn’t given freely, the ultimate trust is treasured. We hold back because we want to protect ourselves. Protect ourselves from potential heartbreak. But what if we didn’t? What if we put our trust in them? What if we took that leap? It could be epic, phenomenal.. Amazing. I know it’s not easy, I know we’re scared, but maybe, just maybe it’ll be worth it. I sit here, tears in my eyes, pouring my heart out. Please, don’t let your insecurities win, please face the fear, please find love and hold on to it. It’s ok to be afraid, it’s ok to be scared, but don’t let it ruin your relationship. I’m trying not to, i’m trying to overcome them.

 

 

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