End of the Year… Reflection

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I’ve spent the last week or so reflecting on my year. My 2018 started out promising..it seemed to have spiraled a bit!

January was interesting. It was probably when I first started having doubt about getting married. By March, I was thinking of my ex boyfriend, dreaming of him more often, and really started second guessing the wedding. Though I pushed forward. My health was up and down. Dealing with Emergency laparoscopy in May, then a HUGE HIPPA violation at the hospital post-op. Which left me reeling, and extremely upset. May brought me un June, and my proteins levels in my urine were climbing, thus an emergency renal biopsy was done! This led to the discovery of my  having Thin Basement Membrane Disease. My nephrologist put me back on iv fluids, lactated ringers to be precise, 3 times a week.

The summer was busy with wedding stuff and keeping my son entertained. Dealing with my health and exhaustion. Spending time with my son. August prepared us for Back to School. August was the start of the spiral. I ended up canceling my wedding. Ending my engagement. So much has happened since then.  In, September I reconnected with someone from my past, someone whom I’ve loved for 7 years. October, November led to may seeing him for the first time in 5 years. What an emotional moment that was. It had to happen though, we both needed to see each other, say what we both needed to say to the other that we never got the chance to.  December led to health concerns, reconnecting with love, but most importantly time for reflections. It also led to my starting therapy. Therapy has been a godsend for me. It’s allowed me to really work through my emotions, and process it all. It’s a safe place for me to just unload my concerns, emotions and everything.

December also led to my son being diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, High Functioning. We suspected it, having some answers has been amazing, but learning and navigating things with him is hard. I’m determined to learn all can, and find ways to help him be the best him he can be!!! We attended a football and hockey game! He’s starting soccer, he’s excited, but he’s also well aware of how overwhelmed he can get. We’re trying to find techniques for him, to make things a bit easier. It’s a learning process, we’ll get through it.

I’ve spent the last few months reflecting so much. Reflecting why I made the decision I did all those years ago. I’ve thought that maybe I should leave again, maybe he deserves someone worthy, someone not sick.  I don’t want to be a burden. I’ve struggled with depression the last few months, especially the last month. Christmas was hard, for emotional and financial reasons. There’s days I feel like a failure as a mom. There’s days I cry at all I have to deal with. Days I feel like a failure as a girlfriend. My biggest biggest thing, is my self esteem. it’s such a struggle some days. There’s times I feel absolutely stunning, and others I’m like “WTF, what does he see in me?”… He tells me every day i’m beautiful, but he said this: “It doesn’t matter how much I say it, until YOU believe it for yourself”. How right he is, no matter how much he tells me i’m beautiful, it won’t matter unless I start to see it and believe it! My depression is sinking, it’s swirling around me. I sit here and cry wondering how I left 5 years ago, how I walked away from someone that loved me so unconditionally. I’ve become stuck in that loop. Instead of seeing he’s here, he’s still loving me, i’m stuck in the why, i’m stuck on the feeling like an annoyance, feeling like a burden. I know i’m not, but sometimes, in that moment it’s hard to see past it. It’s a struggle lately, a struggle sometimes I can’t overcome.  I refuse to walk away again, no matter how string the fear is, no matter how scared I am. I can’t walk away from him again. If I do, i’ll lose him forever, i’ll lose my heart.

This year was full of struggles, full of hard decisions I had to make. Full of trials and tribulations, tears of pain, tears of laughter, tears of love. Ending my engagement, but finding my way back to someone I loved so fiercely, it’s scary.  I’m working to let it all go. I can’t control everything, I can’t control the future. What I can control, is myself, my feelings, my reactions. I control me. I am choosing to let go of my insecurities, to let go of my fears. I’m ending 2018, i’m ready to let it all go. Let all the hell of this past year go. Let the self esteem struggles go. I’m choosing to wake up tomorrow, Jan. 1, refreshed, and on a new page for the next chapter of my life. I’m choosing to live, to be happy, to be loved! I’m choosing to let go of negativity, to let go of those that don’t bother in my life. I’m choosing to surround myself with supportive, loving, understanding people. I’m writing my story, i’m sharing my soul. For I have so much I wish to do, I refuse to be held back any longer by my fears or my insecurities.

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2019 is going to be my year. My year for laughter, for friendships, for love, for inspiring others, for travel. 2019 is going to be the year I decide to move past the fear, and fully embrace who I am, fully embrace the past that I can’t change, fully embrace the future that is yet to happen. I am choosing to end 2018 by letting it all go. I choose to follow my path, be positive, happy and loved! I am choosing to let go and let God. If I don’t let go of the fear, I won’t live. I won’t accomplish anything I wish to, for the fear is holding me back.

I’m loved, i’m blessed, and without a doubt, you all are loved as well. You’re never alone. If you ever feel that way, reach out to me, I will listen. I will be here. Together we can build each other up.

Be you! Be Fierce, but most importantly, be true to yourself. Never give up your hopes and dreams. Lets all start 2019 off full of hope, full of dreams.  My story is just starting…stay tuned…

 

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Facing my Past, My Heart

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My last post I mentioned about the story I wan’t ready to share…Today i’ll share that story.

Seven years ago I met a man that would unravel my world. This man, He awoke a part  of me that I didn’t know existed..

He was there every step of the way.  From the very beginning of my health failing, he was there. We grew closer, we grew to love one another. We always laughed, we always touched. We always had to touch. He was everything to me. Our love was on a level I’ve never witnessed or felt before.  I opened up in a way I never had, just as he did to me. He held this aura about him. He took care of me in a way i’ve never experienced. My last relationship, i’d been so used to hurtful words, insults. This caring, and loving, I wasn’t used to it. I didn’t know how to act, how to handle it. (This is important). I loved the way he was there, he was my partner in all ways. See, everyone knew of the love we had, everyone knew what we had was on a level rarely seen. We were “Noah & Allie”.. we were a perfect match, in every way. He challenged me, encouraged me, supported me in every way.  It was him that convinced me to write my journey. It was him that encouraged me to go back to school.  

We grew so close, so quickly. We became so important to each other. We needed each other. We loved one another in a way that’s once in a life time. In December 2011, I collapsed while at work. Something was wrong with my heart. I was scared. I remember calling him as I was being loaded into the ambulance. Something was wrong, and I didn’t know what it was. We found out, I had SVT, and I had hit nearly 200 bpm.. My life now consisted of doctor appointments, tests, and medications to control it. In January nothing was working. I was rushed into surgery, a cardiac ablation. He held my hand as I waited to go back. He and my mom were with me. He was always there. Waking up in recovery, seeing him still there, was a relief. We hoped the surgery would be a success. We prayed. By middle February I was collapsing, I was short of breath. It turned out, the surgery didn’t work. I was rushed back in for another surgery. This time, I was getting a pacemaker. As a result of missing so much work, I lost my job. I didn’t know what to do. My mom lived 6 hours away. My dad was in Florida, and here I’m in Virginia. Unfortunately we couldn’t move in together at that time. What was I to do???  My guy, He thought of a plan. His plan, I should move in with my dad. Better doctors for me, better medical care. I didn’t want to. I was so scared… Losing him, it wasn’t an option. Losing him would be like losing part of myself. Though, I knew he was right. If I stayed in Virginia, I’d deteriorate. With a heavy heart, I packed my apartment, hired a moving truck. Started the long drive to my dad’s house In March 2012. Moving back in with my dad was hard. I was 25, with a child. I shouldn’t be back here.

The next year and a half we traveled to see each other. He always made time for me. Our last trip was life changing. That trip led to me making a decisions that affected us both. There was no discussion. There was nothing. There was me making the decision..  As I recall the memories, my heart aches. Sadly, my decision was that I walked away.. 5 years ago I walked away from someone that meant the world to me. 5 years ago, I ripped my heart in two. The pain, the heartache was soul crushing. Losing him, through my fears, my insecurities was hell. He had no idea why I walked away. He didn’t know the last time I saw him would be the last time. He didn’t know the fear that was in my mind, in my heart. Instead of talking to him, like we always promised to do, I simply turned my back and walked away. Destroying both myself and him in the process. He reached out to me repeatedly, for months, for years.. I ignored him. I didn’t listen. I couldn’t cope. Instead I buried it all. I buried all my emotions for him. I buried my confidence, my strength, my personality. Essentially, I buried myself.

Did it work?? Somewhat.. every day I thought of him. Every day it ate at me. Every night the dreams, the memories haunted me. The regret i’ve held is immense. He reached out to me a year ago in June 2017. I was at my best friend Jen’s house.. I got an email from him, read it and couldn’t cope. Jen tried to get me to email back, to listen to him, to talk to him. I couldn’t. I refused.

I tried to move on. I tried to bury my love for him. I tried to bury myself. I did a good job too, until it all blew up in my face. After ending my engagement, I thought of him. I needed to talk to him I needed him to know I almost made a mistake. I felt this overwhelming need to talk to him.

On what would have been my wedding day, I finally typed that reply to him… after 5 years. My heart pounded. Would he reply? Would he ignore me, as I ignored him. It took nearly 11 hours for a reply. After that reply, 3 hours after that we were on the phone. When I answered that call, it was emotional. It was instant tears.  There’s no way to describe what I felt. There’s no way to describe what I felt for him. “Hey you”..was all it took to unravel the carefully constructed walls around my heart… “Hey you” was all it took, for every memory to flood me, for every emotion to pour into me, for every “I love you” to fly back into my mind. My world unraveled that night. But really..it unraveled 7 yeas ago when we met.. 7 years ago when I said “I love you” after he brought me donuts to my office, and I said it for the first time. 

That night.. We talked, I mean really talked. Losing me nearly destroyed him, just as my losing him nearly destroyed me. That phone call shook my entire foundation.  I cried, yelled, raged once we hung up. My mom held me on the ground as I cried, letting 5 years of anger, betrayal, longing, regret and love out.. The rage, the resentment, the regrets I’ve held. I still hold. He asked me why.. why did I leave? This answer isn’t an easy one, but here it is.

I let my health be a part of the reason I walked away. How do you walk away from someone that means so much to you?? Let me tell you, it isn’t easy. It’s painful. It’s emotional, it’s rage it’s overwhelming fear. I knew my health issues, weren’t an issue to him. He cared about me, and wanted me, regardless of whatever health issues I had. He was caring, loving, supportive. I’d never experienced that. It scared me. I didn’t know how to cope. This love, this supportiveness, this encouraging partner, I didn’t think I deserved it. I didn’t think I was worthy. I didn’t want to be a burden to him, I didn’t want to hold him back. So, I simply walked away. Hurting both of us in the process.

We’ve talked every day since we reconnected. He knows me better than I know myself. Even after all this time. I wondered, If we saw each other, will it have fizzled, or will it all still be there, but stronger. Well i’ll tell you… It’s still there. Stronger than ever. Seeing him after all these years was emotional. Being in his arms again, was liking coming home. Hearing him tell me what losing me did to him, made me sob. This big, strong man loved me sooo fiercely. He stills loves me. This man, even after I left, continued to love me, continued to have hope that i’d come back.  It took me a while, but I came back.

I don’t know what the future holds. What I do know, is i’m not running again. I’m not walking away this time. I’m standing firm, facing him and all these emotions head on.. I know what we had..what we could have.. It’s something others dream of.. He was my one… 5 years later, we’ve found our way back… As much as losing each other hurt, I think we needed that time.. We needed to grow as individuals, before we could grow as a couple..I needed to know my worth.  I think it was the right person, just the wrong time. We faced so many obstacles at that time.. He’s never been far from my mind, he’s never been far from my heart.

I’ve spent the lat two months doing so much reflection. So much thinking. So much realization. Realizing I hid my dreams, my goals.. I hid myself for the last 2 years..Well technically the last 5 years. Why?? Why did I bury myself? Why did I lose myself? The fury, the rage took hold of me.. I gave up so much of myself. I lost so much of who I am.. Who I was.. I want me back. I want to be me again. Bright, confident, happy. I’m working on rebuilding who I am. Rebuilding my strength, my confidence. I’m going to rebuild myself stronger. I’m chasing my dreams, my hopes. I’m not giving up. Not this time.

I am beautiful, I am strong, I am a warrior. I won’t ever lose sight of myself again, for i’m rising from the ashes of who I was, to become who i’m meant to be. Stay tuned, for this warrior is just rising from the ashes and will be stronger than ever.

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