Tag: life

My new reality…

 

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I’ve been dealing with health issues. My gastroparesis has flared to a hellish point. It’s become extremely problematic, to the point i’m hardly able to eat, and i’m living in constant severe nausea. I’ve lost weight, most haven’t noticed because i’m wearing baggy clothes to hide how much I’ve lost.

However, things have come to a head. My kidneys are struggling, my POTS is out of control, and i’m beyond exhausted. I’m malnourished and not absorbing what I need from the food I am eating. Last Monday I saw a specialist 3 hours away. My best friend Jen was with me. She held my hand, and rubbed my back as the doctor told me, I need to accept this particular procedure I need done..a feeding tube. A J-Tube to be exact. I cried, I immediately had a moment of panic.

The doctor said I’m basically starving…. Now you may ask, how did no one notice? How did no one close to me realize this?? Simple, I’ve kept just how bad things have gotten to myself. My family didn’t know, my best friends didn’t know. Only one person had an inkling, he knew something was wrong beginning of November, but I tried to seem fine, I tried to brush it off. Until I couldn’t. Now things have come to a head. Things are bad, but we can still salvage it. There’s hope, I just have to push like hell to turn it all around.

Today as I sat in my local gastro’s office, we made a plan. A new Gastric Emptying Study, another endoscopy, then we do the J-Tube. I need it done soon, before I land in the hospital. I’m scared, i’m angry, I feel so alone. My family hasn’t been very supportive the last few months. I’m basically coping with all of this and more on my own, and a few, select friends. I texted my best friend telling her this is why I walked away 5 years ago from a relationship. I didn’t want to be a burden, I didn’t want to drag him down this hell with me. 5 years ago I walked away from someone that loved me unconditionally because I didn’t feel worthy. Today, I had the momentary panic of doing it all over again. We came full circle 5 years later, and here i’m facing this hell. I’m facing my body failing me, but I can’t make that decision for him. Not this time.

Why did I panic? I felt unattractive. Realizing i’ll have this tube sticking out of my stomach, and an iv in my chest, it was too much. Why would someone want to deal with all this? Why would someone put up with all this? The answer is so simple..Love. However, I am still so scarred from  the abusive past I had, i’m still insecure in moments, I get stuck. Now though, i’m tired of it. I’m tired of letting my insecurities rule me. I’m fierce, i’m strong, i’m witty, I have amazing eyes. I’m beautiful. I’m me. No one can build me up, but me.

“You will be sexy and beautiful no matter what.”….. thats the text I got when I shared my concern with him. I’m so stuck on seeing it all as bad, he’s busy seeing me a a warrior, a fighter. He’s busy seeing PAST it all.
So, while I fear living with a feeding tube, i’m determined to own it. I’m determined to rock it like a damn pin up model. I’m determined to let go of my insecurities and live life, and love life. More importantly, to love myself and my body. I’m determined to find a photographer to work with me, and rock some pictures. Some might find it odd. Me? I find it empowering. This feeding tube is literally my lifeline right now. I need this, I need to let go of my fears, my insecurities and do what I need to feel confident. Having a feeding tube doesn’t make me unattractive. It doesn’t make me less of a person. I think as patients we can’t see the good, we can’t see our beauty. We’re too focused on the bad, too focused on what makes us feel bad, unattractive.  Let’s break the cycle. Let’s silence those thoughts. Let’s lift each other up, lets build ourselves up. We’re worthy, we’re beautiful and amazing. We’re so much more than our health. We’re warriors, we’re strong. We deserve all our hopes and dreams.

So dream, love and live!! Let’s work together to let go of the negative and embrace what we do love about ourselves… Lets create a community of being empowered.

Be+Empowered

What do I love about me??

  • Fierce
  • Strong
  • Independent
  • loyal
  • Caring
  • Supportive 
  • Witty
  • Funny
  • Inspiring 
  • Ambitious
  • Hopeful
  • I’m beautiful.
  • I’m me.

Be Fierce..Be Strong, Be YOU!!!

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Now I choose to live…

**Trigger warning. **

 

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The past month and a half has been incredibly difficult. I was supposed to get married, but things were called off. They should have been months ago… Ending a 2 year relationship and engagement wasn’t easy. However, the warning signs were there. The red flags were waving. I ignored them till i couldn’t anymore.  I made the best decision for myself and my son. I will not crumble or yield. I will not apologize for making the decision i did. I didn’t ask for emotional abuse or manipulative behavior, and I sure as hell won’t put up with it.   At first I was angry.. Now, I’m ok. I’m at peace with my choice, it’s been months in the making. I shouldn’t have let it get so far. My choice was the only one to make.  I know there’s anger on his side, but I needed to do what’s best for my son and I. I won’t apologize for that.

Emotional abuse is hell. Manipulative behavior is hell. Being made to walk on eggshells day after day so you don’t set them off, is hell. Suicide threats when things go south, or not getting his way.  I can’t live like that, I shouldn’t feel guilty for my feelings. But I was made to feel guilty. Constantly apologizing, constantly on edge watching what I say. I couldn’t be honest, because it turned into an argument, all the time.  Not to say we didn’t have good times, because we did. We had a lot of them, but those don’t outweigh the red flags. They don’t outweigh the potential for things to go so bad, so quickly. Sadly, they did. It was toxic. There was no fixing it. Lies and Deceit, and anger have no place in my life.  I put on a fake smile, and on facebook everything seemed perfect. Everything seemed fine… However a few were able to see past the facade I had in place. They saw behind the mask I wore.

His actions, and the stress led me to having a drink, then another. The first time in 10 years.. That night a phone call gave me a wake up call. (no one was injured. Just a blast from the past) That person knows me better than anyone else. He immediately understood my struggle, he understood my pain. He made me realize that this slip..it’s not me. I allowed someone else’s actions to break me. To break my strength. And that is utter bullshit. Two more nights, one drink each night.. Two more nights… I realized, while staring at my wedding gown that this..this relationship had been toxic. That I hid who I was. I let my strength die. My inner light dim. My friend caught onto it all. He reminded me of my strength, of who I am. Who and What I can be. He reminded me of the Phoenix within me. The power I always held. The dreams and hopes i’d always had.

My life has been difficult the last few years. Between my health, and other personal issues. My health has led to insecurities, and fear. It’s led to anxiety and depression. Through it all, I forgot to live. I just merely existed. I tabled my dreams, my goals, my ambitions, my faith and my hope.. Why?? Why did I do that?? Why did I hide part of myself? Why did I feel the need to?? There’s so many reasons. Reasons i’m not ready to share yet. Perhaps soon. I’m at a point where i’m almost ready to share it.. To bare that piece of my soul.

For now though, now i’m tired of just existing. I’m tired of not living!! I’m tired of being prisoner to my body! I’m tired of tabling my hopes and dreams. I’m tired of hiding who I am, so I don’t intimidate anyone. No more, More more will I just merely exist. I’m choosing to live. I’m choosing to travel. To love..oh to love fiercely… To smile.. Most importantly, to be happy! I’m choosing to not just exist. I’m going to live life to the fullest. I have faith, and hope.. With those anything is possible.

 

#imaphoenix, #spoonie, #emotionalabuse, #imstronger #iknowmyworth, #dontignorethesigns

 

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Down the Rabbit Hole..

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This post is going to be raw, unfiltered, and real. This is me being laid bare.

Devastation, anger, betrayal, relief… those are the emotions i’ve felt in the last week and a half. Watching my future plans just fall apart. I’ve been so strong for so long.. When will someone be strong for me? When will I be held and told it’s ok? I’m angry, i’m SICK of being stronger. I’m so damn tired of it all. I’m damn tired of battling my body. I’m tired of battling doctors for help. I’m tired of not being able to eat. I’m tired of wanting another child, and seeing my hopes and dreams fade away. Most of all I’m tired of my self doubt. I’m tired of worrying i’ll be a burden to someone.  I’m just tired…

No one understands my anger, my fears, my insecurities. I don’t want to be a burden. I want to be a wife. I want to be someone that my spouse is proud of to have as a partner in life. I want to inspire others. I want that, and I deserve it. However, in my lowly depression I CAN’T see that. I can’t see I deserve it. I can’t see how others see me. I can’t see myself as inspiring, or real. I am so scared of not being enough for someone. I’m so scared that years into a marriage or relationship my partner can’t handle it anymore. Will it be when I can’t give them a child? Will it be when i’m dislocating my hip during sex? When i’m hooked to an IV multiple days a week? Will it be when i’m in a wheelchair? I am so terrified of NOT being enough. I want to be enough.

I call my depression my rabbit hole. Falling down the rabbit hole.. It’s never good. Sometimes it’s a quick visit… sometimes it’s longer: days, weeks, months. I feel it swirling around the edge of me. The darkness becomes soul crushing. The depression yearns to take over. I’m stronger than this.. but at the moment, the darkest is tempting. This rabbit hole, this spiraling blackness, we all have it, just varying degrees. Some are masters of their depression, while some succumb to it. It’s our character, our strength that decides that.

Strength…we all have it. Control…we all want it. What if we submit the control? What if we submit the control to acceptance? Acceptance that this battle will not end, but that this battle will not END us! We yearn for control of our life, our emotions, our everything. Really though, we have no control. When I feel out of control of my emotions, I get scared, I tend to “run”.. I tend to become so seized up with worry, and fear I can’t handle and process these emotions. I simply shut down..It’s a defense mechanism. I can’t help it. I try, I try not to shut down, but that swirling darkness… that old peaceful friend of mine.. yeah it’s tempting. The silence, the peace I find there by embracing it is a welcome reprieve from my overwhelming emotions.

Ahh… that swirling darkness, with the taste of yearning, longing, peace.. but it’s fake peace. I know it. You know it. Everyone with depression knows it. However we still welcome it like a comfort blanket. Why? Why do we do this??  Perhaps it’s because we feel no one actually cares how we are? No one wants to hear us yell, scream and cry our feelings out. We need to do that though. We need to purge them. We need to stop faking that we’re ok. It’s ok, to not be ok. We’re so afraid of someone seeing the crack in our armor, we hide it. We’ve become masters at hiding it. I’ve mastered that skill. I’m so tired of hiding it. I’m so tired of faking it. I’m so tired of the lonely darkness swirling around.  Our partners don’t understand, our family doesn’t understand. We do though, we as warriors understand each other’s battle.  That taste of peace we find in the darkness, it calls to us. It sings the song of a siren. It beckons us. Resisting it, it’s not always easy. It’s not always to see the light in the darkness. We can’t see the wonderland through this darkness of a rabbit hole. We, in our swirling peaceful darkness can’t see the light. We need to always remember, light will ALWAYS come. Light will always shine. The sun will always come after the storm.

We all go though ups and downs. We overcome them. We go through relationships, friendships and family issues. How we handle it is what builds our character.  We can fall apart, we can break down, but from that we need to find our strength and rise again. Stronger, and wiser. For we are The Phoenix. 

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