I’ve spent the last week or so reflecting on my year. My 2018 started out promising..it seemed to have spiraled a bit!
January was interesting. It was probably when I first started having doubt about getting married. By March, I was thinking of my ex boyfriend, dreaming of him more often, and really started second guessing the wedding. Though I pushed forward. My health was up and down. Dealing with Emergency laparoscopy in May, then a HUGE HIPPA violation at the hospital post-op. Which left me reeling, and extremely upset. May brought me un June, and my proteins levels in my urine were climbing, thus an emergency renal biopsy was done! This led to the discovery of my having Thin Basement Membrane Disease. My nephrologist put me back on iv fluids, lactated ringers to be precise, 3 times a week.
The summer was busy with wedding stuff and keeping my son entertained. Dealing with my health and exhaustion. Spending time with my son. August prepared us for Back to School. August was the start of the spiral. I ended up canceling my wedding. Ending my engagement. So much has happened since then. In, September I reconnected with someone from my past, someone whom I’ve loved for 7 years. October, November led to may seeing him for the first time in 5 years. What an emotional moment that was. It had to happen though, we both needed to see each other, say what we both needed to say to the other that we never got the chance to. December led to health concerns, reconnecting with love, but most importantly time for reflections. It also led to my starting therapy. Therapy has been a godsend for me. It’s allowed me to really work through my emotions, and process it all. It’s a safe place for me to just unload my concerns, emotions and everything.
December also led to my son being diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, High Functioning. We suspected it, having some answers has been amazing, but learning and navigating things with him is hard. I’m determined to learn all can, and find ways to help him be the best him he can be!!! We attended a football and hockey game! He’s starting soccer, he’s excited, but he’s also well aware of how overwhelmed he can get. We’re trying to find techniques for him, to make things a bit easier. It’s a learning process, we’ll get through it.
I’ve spent the last few months reflecting so much. Reflecting why I made the decision I did all those years ago. I’ve thought that maybe I should leave again, maybe he deserves someone worthy, someone not sick. I don’t want to be a burden. I’ve struggled with depression the last few months, especially the last month. Christmas was hard, for emotional and financial reasons. There’s days I feel like a failure as a mom. There’s days I cry at all I have to deal with. Days I feel like a failure as a girlfriend. My biggest biggest thing, is my self esteem. it’s such a struggle some days. There’s times I feel absolutely stunning, and others I’m like “WTF, what does he see in me?”… He tells me every day i’m beautiful, but he said this: “It doesn’t matter how much I say it, until YOU believe it for yourself”. How right he is, no matter how much he tells me i’m beautiful, it won’t matter unless I start to see it and believe it! My depression is sinking, it’s swirling around me. I sit here and cry wondering how I left 5 years ago, how I walked away from someone that loved me so unconditionally. I’ve become stuck in that loop. Instead of seeing he’s here, he’s still loving me, i’m stuck in the why, i’m stuck on the feeling like an annoyance, feeling like a burden. I know i’m not, but sometimes, in that moment it’s hard to see past it. It’s a struggle lately, a struggle sometimes I can’t overcome. I refuse to walk away again, no matter how string the fear is, no matter how scared I am. I can’t walk away from him again. If I do, i’ll lose him forever, i’ll lose my heart.
This year was full of struggles, full of hard decisions I had to make. Full of trials and tribulations, tears of pain, tears of laughter, tears of love. Ending my engagement, but finding my way back to someone I loved so fiercely, it’s scary. I’m working to let it all go. I can’t control everything, I can’t control the future. What I can control, is myself, my feelings, my reactions. I control me. I am choosing to let go of my insecurities, to let go of my fears. I’m ending 2018, i’m ready to let it all go. Let all the hell of this past year go. Let the self esteem struggles go. I’m choosing to wake up tomorrow, Jan. 1, refreshed, and on a new page for the next chapter of my life. I’m choosing to live, to be happy, to be loved! I’m choosing to let go of negativity, to let go of those that don’t bother in my life. I’m choosing to surround myself with supportive, loving, understanding people. I’m writing my story, i’m sharing my soul. For I have so much I wish to do, I refuse to be held back any longer by my fears or my insecurities.
2019 is going to be my year. My year for laughter, for friendships, for love, for inspiring others, for travel. 2019 is going to be the year I decide to move past the fear, and fully embrace who I am, fully embrace the past that I can’t change, fully embrace the future that is yet to happen. I am choosing to end 2018 by letting it all go. I choose to follow my path, be positive, happy and loved! I am choosing to let go and let God. If I don’t let go of the fear, I won’t live. I won’t accomplish anything I wish to, for the fear is holding me back.
I’m loved, i’m blessed, and without a doubt, you all are loved as well. You’re never alone. If you ever feel that way, reach out to me, I will listen. I will be here. Together we can build each other up.
Be you! Be Fierce, but most importantly, be true to yourself. Never give up your hopes and dreams. Lets all start 2019 off full of hope, full of dreams. My story is just starting…stay tuned…
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