Hello my lovelies. I know I haven’t been on here writing in a while. Life has been happening.
So what prompted this post? Well honestly so many things, but mainly my emotions. I’ve been battling a rollercoaster of anxiety for the last few months. Battling whether to walk away from a situation or to stay. Battling my own inner demons. Well it’s all come to a head. Tonight, tonight it’s getting the best of me. Tonight my fears are roaring loudly, my insecurities are whispering I’m not enough. My anxiety in the background just murmuring agreement. Have you ever had that hard sob in the shower? That cathartic release of everything?
I have been very honest about my struggle with my self esteem, my confidence. It’s been up and down. Some days I’m so confident, others it’s a struggle to find something I like when I look in the mirror. Tonight I’m angry, hurt, sad, and feeling so damn broken. I feel so many things. So many emotions. It’s hard to process them all. It’s hard to see light in the darkness. I overthink. I over apologize. I overanalyze.
Tonight the anger I thought had long been extinguished is simmering, the betrayal, the hurt and pain. What I’m angry about is how I held on for so long, how I begged him to choose me. I shouldn’t have had to do that. I shouldn’t have to beg anyone to be in my life. I shouldn’t have to fight for a place in your life. I learned, through the last year, that I am WORTHY of love. My struggle is believing I’m enough. It’s odd right? I find my worth, I find myself, but still struggle to feel enough? How?
Well it’s from YEARS of not thinking I’m enough. From an ex that told me time and time again I wasn’t pretty enough, skinny enough. From people saying that I’m too loud, too opinionated, too ambitious, too sensitive. I’ve always been told I’m “too much”. That guys don’t like women like me. I’ve come to accept that, but why should I?? Fear. Fear of being hurt again. Fear of letting someone in again, and getting hurt.
From years of having to apologize for my feelings, for saying the wrong thing, or saying too much or hell even for being too much; I’ve become an over thinker, an overly apologetic person. I apologize for things I don’t need to. I apologize for saying how I feel. My feelings have been dismissed by so many people in my life, that I’m not comfortable sharing them. I have difficulty verbally communicating them, but have me write them? I can do that. I’m learning, at 37, that I don’t need to apologize for who I am. For what I say, for me. I am who I am. I’m learning to find my joy. To find me. To be happy with myself, more importantly, to love myself. I’ve accepted my scars. I’ve accepted the ostomy. I’ve come to terms with my infusions and diagnoses. I still struggle to feel ENOUGH for someone. It’s a contradiction. I’ve accepted my flaws, yet I still struggle to feel enough because of them. To not feel as though I’m a burden or an inconvenience to someone. I still worry I’m an inconvenience, that I’m bothering someone with my texts. Again, the overthinking comes into play, and sometimes I can’t stop the spiral in time.
Pain changes people. Heartbreak changes us. For some it makes us more cautious. For some it’s easier to keep people at arms length, to not let them in. It’s hard to let someone in when you’ve been so badly hurt. We all heal differently. Some are able to lets others in easily, some it’s a struggle. I’ve been so afraid to let someone in. To let someone in and give them the power to hurt me. To break my heart. I have to choose is that how I want to live? a life without love? Without a partner?
How can I feel so many conflicting things all at once? It’s simple, I’m human. I’m on this journey of healing. I’m on this journey of loving myself as I am. On this journey to grow into the person I want to be. I’ll get there, our journey is not a straight line. Healing Is not a straight line. We have hills and valleys. We have good days, and we have bad. We have to choose and work through it. We have to find our worth. Find we’re deserving of joy, of love, of happiness. We are. I am, and so are you.
Tonight the emotions are overwhelming me. Tomorrow though, tomorrow they may barely be noticeable. Tonight I’m releasing it all. I’m writing it all out. Letting the overwhelming feeling go and choosing joy.
I recently saw a quote: “You’re not afraid of new love, you’re afraid of old pain.” I don’t know about you, but that seems pretty accurate to me, hell to most of us that have been through heartbreak. One thing I do know is this, logically I know I’m enough. I know my worth. I know what I bring to the table. I am enough, and you my dear reader, are enough too.
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