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It was a wild 2023!

Hello my lovelies! I know it’s been a while since I’ve last written. Last year I had so much going on and I had to take time for self care, and family.

In March 2023 I relocated to a better school district for my son. It was a huge adjustment. New city, new school. Not knowing anyone over here. I did however find a beautiful place by the water that played live music on the weekends. That quickly became my peaceful spot. I mean water, live music and yummy food trucks! one local singer quickly became my favorite. He was very reminiscent of Chris Stapleton.

You see, in June 2023 I went to visit my dad for Father’s Day. That weekend I received heartbreaking news. He had cancer. That he had emergency surgery in January to remove a large tumor on his spine that was causing severe issues. Learning this was such a huge blow to our family. He started radiation in August, and is recovering the best he can. Our family has rallied around him and his wife with our love and support.

My son started high school in August. We relocated last year to a better school district, as the high school had higher level academic classes, which he needed. It was a bittersweet moment his first day of school. I remember when he was just a baby, and now here he is in high school!! Where did the time go?! As nervous as I was, I was excited to see how he grew as a person and how he adjusted to a new city and new school. He has THRIVED! Let me tell you. This kiddo is in all honors classes, and has maintained a 4.0 through the year. He has studied, done amazingly well on his exams, and even made it to states with his robotics team! That’s two years in a row for him!!! I am so so immensely proud of him. Watching him grow and adapt has made this momma so happy.

While all this was happening I was working on self care and my mental health. I was also preparing for a major abdominal surgery in December. December 21, 2023, I had a complete abdominal reconstruction. It was rough. I was immensely blessed my surgical team was able to do 8 small incisions instead of a large midline incision. What was supposed to be a 6 hour surgery turned into just under 9 hours. My surgeon said it was a very difficult surgery every step of the way. The amount of adhesions and scar tissue was causing a lot of issues. He also said the hernia around my ostomy could have reached an urgent situation soon. The good news is it was a successful surgery. He was able to repair the diastases recti, two hernia and several other issues. A full abdominal repair.

While recovering from this surgery was incredibly difficult, I was lucky to have help from my mom and son. I’m so incredibly lucky my friends and family were so amazing. Luckily I was home for Christmas! Celebrating Christmas in our home, our first Christmas in our new home was so important to me. I’m so glad I was able to! Here’s some photos!

We rang in the new year at home. Relaxing and comfortable! While a lot happened in 2023, some good, some bad, we made it through. I’m so grateful for all that was accomplished. We were prepared for 2024… or at least we thought we were.

Hearing Loss, Masks & Ableism

This story was also published on The Mighty.

Thursday I was craving some fries from McDonalds, which is one of my safe foods due to my gastroparesis. So I placed a mobile order, I did curbside pick up, but it wasn’t letting me check in for pickup. So I went inside. The cashier was talking to me and I couldn’t understand/hear her. So I told her. Then the manager started talking to me. I repeated I can’t hear them. She started again. I yelled “I’m partially deaf, I can’t understand you.” Then she laughs! The manager laughed! There were several guys in the waiting for their food, one stepped up to help me. When I walked away, she laughed again! I was so angry and embarrassed, I was almost crying.

Masks have long been a challenge for those that are hearing impaired. Many have experienced horrible situations in being unable to communicate. This is NOT ok. This is stressful and honestly traumatizing. I have 30% hearing loss in my left ear and 40% in my right. I’m exhausted sometimes from straining to hear what’s being said to me by others.

Now you may think, what’s the big deal. Well the big deal is, for those in the hearing impaired community, reading lips is imperative to communicate. With lips covered, they can’t effectively communicate. Many won’t move their masks down, so their lips could be read. Many won’t write down on a pad of paper for the HI person, many make no effort to accommodate to provide effective communication. What is even more mind blowing is how often this is happening at doctors offices and hospitals. This happens way too often at doctors offices. I have told them, upon checking in for an appointment, that I am hard of hearing. I will not hear my name if called softly, or on the other side of the waiting room. Frustratingly it STILL happens! I had one appointment last year with an Ortho, I couldn’t tell you what was said. He wore two masks, and didn’t speak clearly. Again, this was AFTER telling him I’m hearing impaired.

The sad reality is, this is happening at an alarming frequency. We, in the hearing impaired community have lost valuable, necessary ways to communicate. This has left us reeling. This has left us experiencing frustrating, even embarrassing situations. The amount of times we’re ridiculed, ignored or absolutely no effort is put forth to communicate in a way in which we need is astounding. There’s countless videos on Tiktok of this happening, countless posts on Facebook detailing the same thing.

“The problems of deafness are deeper and more complex, if not more important, than those of blindness. Deafness is a much worse misfortune. For it means the loss of the most vital stimulus — the sound of the voice that brings language, sets thoughts astir and keeps us in the intellectual company of man.”
Helen Keller

In all honesty, it’s disheartening.This is honestly ableist. Having experienced this over and over is emotionally draining. Today’s experience was completely unacceptable. It should NEVER have happened. It SHOULDN’T be happening to anyone! Struggling to hear so I can communicate, is that really acceptable? Is that really where we are? This is NOT about politics. This is about a community being left in the lurch with struggling to communicate due to masks. We need to find a way that doesn’t leave an entire community struggling to communicate. If you see someone struggling, please help them. Offer assistance. Work to find a way to communicate with them. Whether it’s typing on your phone, or writing it down. Be kind. Choose kindness and compassion.

Freedom in Body Acceptance

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Body Positivity, Self Worth, Depression, Insecurities, Counseling.. Why are these words, these phrases so taboo in the chronic illness community. Why are these barely talked about? Is it supposed to help us by not acknowledging these happen? That these can affect us? It doesn’t. It actually hurts us. Positivity in general seems to be ridiculed in our community. Why?

I’m in my 30s, I struggle with insecurities and body image issues. I’ve been very vocal about my struggle. Yet so many still hide theirs. So many still don’t acknowledge it. Some ignore it or think they’re taboo to talk about. I have struggled tremendously for the last year. Since getting my feeding tube, I’ve struggled to accept my body as it is. Scars, tubes and all. So many others have tubes, central lines, ostomies, scars, medical devices. So many others struggle with insecurities, yet it’s rarely ever discussed? Why? Why is this so taboo? Why is there not more of a network, more of a community lifting each other up?

If we as grown women struggle, what is this doing to our young women in these communities? What is it doing to them to see absolutely no one speaking about these struggles? Seeing no one like them out there blasting beauty standards to raise awareness and empower others? Why is there really NO ONE out there doing these things? Showing their body acceptance, showing their vulnerability? I’m not sure why, but it’s motivated and empowered me to be that someone. Someone has to speak out. Someone has to start something to show body acceptance and positivity. Someone has to show body positivity to these young women, young men, anyone struggling that feels alone in their fight.

There seems to be a struggle with body positivity. We are letting others define us, define beauty, define our worth. We are letting our diagnoses, tubes, ostomies define us. Letting them define us as unworthy, unattractive. Body positivity is so important. It’s so important to lift each other up. It’s so important to acknowledge these topics, these struggles and discuss them. We have let what society has deemed “beautiful” affect us in such a negative way. We have let others decide whether we fit into a mold or not. Guess what, we don’t. That’s ok! We don’t have to. We’re not made to. Our beauty and worth shouldn’t be based on what fits a mold. Let’s break that mold.

I’ve struggled with this so much. It affected me deeply, it affected my relationship immensely. Counseling helped, friends helped. What really helped was someone told me: “Who cares what others say is attractive? Who CARES?! If you feel it, then you feel it! Stop trying to fit into society. Stand out. Stand up for yourself.” I remember sitting there, taken aback. Then i thought about it. They were right. I had let others’ words, others’ views affect me so much, I couldn’t see my own beauty, my own worth. My self esteem didn’t improve overnight. Goodness no. It took months of work. Months of positive self affirmations. Months of talking about my insecurities to really start to shed them. Start to being the key word. It’s a process, and ongoing process. Every day is a small step forward.

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Depression is also another struggle. I have struggled with depression for a while. Sometimes it goes hand in hand with my insecurities. However, this isn’t discussed much in support groups. It’s almost like we should be ashamed of it. Absolutely NOT! Never be ashamed of your story. Of any part of your story. Never be ashamed of your struggle. I refuse to be ashamed of it. I refuse to hide it, ignore it, or pretend it doesn’t exist. I can’t. Why lie? Why is this such an issue to discuss? I don’t understand it. Depression happens, it happens when dealing with chronic illness. How could it not? It’s hard to adjust from one life, to this “new” life. It’s like grieving. You’ve lost who you were, now you’re struggling to find who you are, and who you’ll become. It’s ok to be angry, hurt, upset, depressed. It’s ok to feel emotions. My only advice, don’t let them control you. Don’t get so lost in them you give up living. Please, if you feel that anger, that hurt, that overwhelming sadness, reach out to someone. Reach out to me. I’ll listen as you vent. Reach out. Just know there’s someone struggling similarly.

It’s become my mission, my motivation to help others. To empower others to see their beauty, their worth. I’ve posted several blogs on this. I took it a step further and have participated in photoshoots. Creating powerful images that show my strength, my motivation, my beauty. These photos weren’t easy to do, it was scary and nerve wracking. What kept me going and motivated was that I was determined to LOVE MYSELF. I was determined to see MY worth, my beauty. My tubes don’t take away from it, they don’t take away from my strength, from my worth or my beauty. They do not change who I am at a fundamental level. What they’ve done is give me strength I didn’t know I had. They gave me courage. They gave me passion, and desire to help others. They gave me purpose. They have motivated and empowered me to do that for others. To show others their beauty, their worth. My tubes in a way gave me freedom. Freedom to knock down beauty standards and create my own. Freedom to strive for goals, freedom to find my passion and help make changes. Freedom to love me.

These “taboo” topics need to not be so taboo. These topics need to be discussed, need to be acknowledged. We as a community deserve more. We deserve love, happiness, goals, hopes and dreams. We are worthy. We are absolutely beautiful. You are warriors, you are fighters. Never give up. If you feel like giving up, know you have a community of warriors behind you to lift you up, to lend you strength. We won’t let you feel alone in this battle.

This post was also published on The Mighty: What Helps Me Overcome My Insecurities as Someone With Chronic Illness

Let’s Talk Endometriosis..

March is Endometriosis Awareness Month.. So let’s talk about it. What Exactly is it?

Endometriosis is an often painful disorder in which tissue similar to the tissue that normally lines the inside of your uterus — the endometrium — grows outside your uterus. Endometriosis most commonly involves your ovaries, fallopian tubes and the tissue lining your pelvis. Mayo Clinic- Endometriosis

Now that we know what it is, let’s talk about it. I was diagnosed with it at 15/16. I was told I would probably never have kids. I remember sitting in the doctors office, the doctor telling me at 16, I’d probably never have children. I remember feeling so heartbroken, angry and confused. Why? Why was this being told to me. I didn’t understand at the time. No one really explained any of this to me. Soon i’d find out just what it all meant.

I had been rushed into emergency surgery in 2003, I was 17 years old. I had an ovarian cyst that had ruptured. While in surgery they removed my appendix, since most doctors were dismissing my pain as appendicitis. This surgery started what would become the “norm” for me. Another surgery revealed I was at Stage 4 at 18 yrs old. Unfortunately this wasn’t documented well by the doctor then. All we knew was that it was “everywhere”. We tried Lupron Depot, birth control. Various treatments to manage my symptoms and pain. Which just seemed to worsen each month. Lupron depot made it so I no longer had a menstrual cycle. This way they could manage the pain a bit better, unfortunately this led to other side effects from this medication, which is actually classified as a Chemotherapy medication. Here I was 18-20 and in menopause, on “chemo”. My life consisted of painful periods and doctors appointments.

My mom and I began to research. We found an amazing team of doctors in Atlanta at the Center for Endometriosis. I submitted a lot of medical records, and received word I would be taken as a patient. So off we went. Another appointment. Another doctor. This time though, we had hope. I was going to the best of the best. Little did we know just how things would go.

The consultation was overwhelming. I was basically informed i’d need another surgery. We prepared, we made plans. Traveling back and forth from South Florida to Atlanta wasn’t easy, but my mom made it happen. I was 20 years old, supposed to be in college and my periods were so bad I couldn’t function during that time. I remember my mom and I having the discussion. Me saying, “don’t let them take everything. I want a chance to have a baby later in life.” We expressed this to my doctors, Dr. Sinervo and Dr. Albee. They were aware of my fears, my anxieties, my desire to be a mom. They assured me they would do all they could. That day… that day is forever etched in my mind. Waking up in my hospital room. My mom sitting there, waiting for me to come out of the anesthesia. I looked at her, saw that she’d been crying. I asked her, “I lost them didn’t I? You took them out?”. I screamed, yelled and cried. Not only out of pain but heartbreak. She held me as I cried, as I mourned the loss. It may sound silly to some, but to me it was heartbreaking. She told me my entire right side was covered in endometriosis. The worst case they’d seen in someone my age. I had it on my right ovary, fallopian tube, intestines, pelvic wall. It was in a sense everywhere in my pelvic area. My mom had to make the decision for me, she had to make the decision to remove organs. Make the decision for her 20 year old daughter about her future. She agreed with my surgeons, remove the right side. So at 20 years old I had a unilateral salpingo-oophorectomy. This means, my right ovary and fallopian tube were removed. They did this to remove the endometriosis, to buy me time.

I then had to have a LEEP procedure due to pre-cancer cells found on my cervix.. Then.. then a miracle happens.. I end up pregnant in 2008. It was a shock, lots of crying. For 9 months there was no endo pain. No hellish periods.. It was glorious!

My son is now 10, he’ll be 11 in April. I’m 33 and I still battle endometriosis. I’ve battled it for 18 years, I’ve had 6 surgeries in total for it. My last one was in May 2018. They found two endometriomas in my left ovary. Once again my doctor did all he could to give me a chance to have another child. I’m once again at Stage 3. We’re considering reaching back out to the Center for Endometriosis Care. I need another surgery, however after 8 abdominal surgeries, they’re waiting until it’s absolute necessity. I’ve had severe scar tissue. Scar tissue and adhesions on various organs, in various places. Scar tissue that made placing my feeding tubes, very difficult. It turns out the severity of my endometriosis has created quite the problems in my pelvic area. Intestines are fused together, bowel issues, bladder issues. Things you wouldn’t think about endometriosis affecting, but it has far reaching consequences. Even with my J tube, there’s damage from my endometriosis. They’re saying “frozen pelvis”. It’s horrific to realize just how damaging endometriosis is, and how little it’s explained.

I’m in pelvic floor physical therapy to help with various symptoms from my endo. I have trouble going to the bathroom, both #1 and #2. This is being attributed in part to my endo. Horrific menstrual cycle pain. Every month i’m out of commission for a few days. I’ve tried birth control, sadly they just make my cycle last for weeks, which I can’t cope with. Pain with intercourse, pain with bowel movement, pain with movement in general at times.. These are things rarely discussed or acknowledged by some doctors. Things that are often dismissed. I’m hopeful that Pelvic Floor PT can help, if anything, may be it can help with going to the bathroom. Or help with the pain. Even in some small way would be appreciated.

Knowing i’m running out of time, knowing that each month my pain and periods are absolutely horrendous, knowing I need more surgeries for my endometriosis, it gets to me. Sometimes I debate if it’s time for a hysterectomy. I begin to accept that fate, then it becomes too overwhelming for me. Too much, too soon. I know that’s my eventuality. I know that is what I will end up needing, but how do you mentally prepare for that? How do you mentally prepare for no longer being able to conceive? It’s not easy. In 2019 it was discovered I have a hydrosalpinx. Meaning my only remaining tube is blocked. I have to see a fertility specialist to see just how blocked. I haven’t prepared myself for that yet. I can’t determine which would be easier, just doing the hysterectomy and giving up, or trying with the fertility doctor, and having hope. How do you make that decision? It’s incredibly difficult to make.

The emotional damage from my salpingo-oophorectomy was immense. I felt like less of a woman. I felt broken, damaged. I wanted to be a mother, and here i’m facing that I would probably never be a mom by natural ways. Depression, anxiety it was there. I had to work through the pain, not just physically, but emotionally as well. That’s what no one tells you about endometriosis. Yes physically the pain is unbearable, but emotionally, it’s unbearable at times. No one talks about the mental and emotional aspect of living with endometriosis. I’m not sure why, is it taboo? It needs to NOT be. It needs to be discussed. Women struggle with both aspects of pain. Let’s be there for them. Endometriosis is hell. It’s physically and emotionally painful. It robs women of their joy, their lives, even motherhood.. their hopes of motherhood are dashed at times due to their pain, or severity. It can affect relationships. It can damage them. We feel inadequate. We wonder why our partner stays, we wonder how a new partner will feel when they find out you may not be able to conceive. Don’t push your partner away. Communicate your feelings, your fears with them. Lean on them. Let them help you face this.

The feeling of being unworthy due to being infertile, or due to the struggle and pain with your endo. The feeling can be so overwhelming, so soul crushing you can’t breathe. You scream; “Why”, you beg and plead. You try to grasp this, try to grasp how this happened. You feel alone, broken, scared, angry. I assure you, you’re not alone. You’re not broken. You’re not less than, you’re not inadequate. You’re not unworthy. It’s ok to be angry, it’s ok to be scared. You’re worthy of love. So damn worthy. Just know you have a community of women behind you lifting you up in your time of pain. We are here, we will help you shoulder this. We are a sisterhood. We are a community. We are fighters with hope for a cure.

Post-Op from Hell..But I’m ok

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It’s been an absolutely, ridiculously difficult post op.. The worst ever. Sometimes things just go awry! How can we plan for them? The best we can.

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I had a laparotomy September 19th. I had no real choice. My GJ was failing, I was starving. The plan was simple. Go in, clean scar tissue from my 7 previous laparoscopies, and place my J tube.. The surgery was scheduled for 150 minutes. My mom said I was out in under an hour, and it took an additional TWO hours for me to even wake up from anesthesia… What a complete shit show. It turns out adhesions had formed to my GJ, which I didn’t even know was possible. We’re currently trying to find out why it was cut so short. Which makes me nervous. I was in the hospital for 4 days. The pain was absolutely unbearable at times. Imagine a 4″ incision going down your abdomen that pulls every time you sat up, laid down, or even tried to use the bathroom. It was rough.

I got home September 22. That night. We sent a text to my nurse the next day, as I was supposed to have wound care and my port accessed.. No reply. It turns out I was discharged by my home health agency with no word. No conversation, letter or anything. This set into motion so much stress. I’ve unfortunately had 5 post op ER visits due to possible infection, wound dehiscence, tube dislodged (twice), and pain post tube exchange.

I’ve suffered a wound dehiscence, which is when a wound opens up. My entire incision split open, even sections that were already healed. It’s been 6 weeks of strict cleaning, and routine to get it to close back up. 6 weeks of bandages, which sucks when you have an adhesive allergy. It’s finally looking better and like it’ll actually close up soon!!!

So since my agency let me go, it’s been weeks of trying to find a new agency, i’ve and no luck. I now have to travel 45 mins on Mondays to be accessed, so I can run my iv fluids. How utterly ridiculous.

I need things to go a little more smoothly. 🙂 Halloween was fun! We dressed up, took my son trick or treating. Just had a blast. He was a Ninja, I dressed as a devil! lol I was in pain, but determined to not ruin my son’s Halloween!

So it’s been about 6-6.5 months since I had my GJ placed. I’ve lost nearly 30lbs. We’re trying to stabilize my weight, which hasn’t been easy. I’m supposed to be connected to my pump 24 hours a day, or AT LEAST 18 hours a day. I’m supposed to be getting 1600 calories a day.. I’m barely connected 9 hours a day, and getting maybe 500 calories a day. This isn’t good at all. So I’m working really hard to increase my calorie intake and stabilize my weight. I’m currently about 158lbs now. Went from size 14, to about size 10. While my body looks amazing from the weight loss, I’m exhausted and constantly hungry. All this has left me malnourished, which isn’t helping me heal from surgery.

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Through all this I’ve battled insecurities, my body, and stress. It’s been really heart wrenching. It’s really hard to go through all this, and not have the one person you want more than anything at your side. If you have someone that loves you flaws and all, don’t lose them. Don’t let your insecurities take over. Don’t lose sight of yourself or your relationship. Communicate your fears and feelings to each other. Don’t lose that.

I taught myself to convert bags to use for my feeing pump! That’s been fun! Below is a video of the bag I converted!

I’m working with a local photographer to get some projects done. I’m excited to show you all the final product! There’s more to come. More to say. More to do.

This post op has been difficult both physically, and mentally. Seeing the changes in my body has been really difficult. Realizing my GI system is slowing and we have no clue why, is scary. Dealing with a chronic illness is hard, dealing with multiple ones is so incredibly difficult. I’ll persevere. You are not your diagnosis. You are not your port, picc, or feeding tube. You are so worthy. You are so worthy of love, happiness and joy. Go after your dreams, most importantly Live… Don’t give up on life.

I’m always here you you guys. Always reach out to me if you need me. Much love to you all..

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I’m a unicorn…

It’s summer time!!! Time for heat, beaches and pool! Summer is probably the worst time of the year for me due to the heat. It’s been quite the summer! So much as happened! Who else has a hard time during the summer? Anyone have any special plans this summer?

My son has been battling a post viral rash for the last two months. He actually tested positive for a past Epstein Barr Virus infection. Like Whoa! However, his rash, It’s finally gone!! Yay! Just in time for his surprise vacation! I can’t wait to post pictures from out trip! It’ll be so exciting.

It’s been a rough few months. My feeding tube has been problematic, or more my body has been. I’ve had reactions to the formula, bandages, gauze. It’s just been alot! Finally we’re doing pretty good. I’m still about 800-1000 calories short a day, but i’m slowly improving, however I still keep losing weight. My GI team is fairly positive I also have intestinal-paresis as well. Which just makes things even more fun..Not! Lactulose and I are buddies now! LOL I got my Mic-Key GJ button last month, it’s been alright, the only thing is, I can’t vent my G-tube. Which really sucks. I’m also pretty much tube fed at this point. My body simply can’t tolerate any foods! I do try to get some ice cream a night though, as it’s one of the only things I can semi handle.

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As you can see, i’ve definitely lost a good amount of weight. I think i’m down 15-20lbs. And sadly still losing it. I’ll get it sorted, i’m determined!

Now, here’s a bit of good news!!! Living With Dys, has been nominated for a WEGO Health Award!! How exciting?! I, myself have been nominated for three, so that makes 4 nominations for me. I’m amazed at it all. I feel so honored and blessed. If you’re interested, check out my nominee page: https://awards.wegohealth.com/nominees/18307.

How great is this? What are your thoughts on it? What would you like to see more of?

I saw my geneticist Wednesday. I was not prepared for the results that I received. We did complete genome testing. It’s been about 5 months waiting for the results. Well, boy was I surprised, well kind of not really. My results showed I have a genetic mutation in the COL4A4 gene, which controls the Collagen Type IV basement membranes. I don’t just have a genetic mutation, I have the ONLY documented case of this variant. Literally the only one. I’m not even a zebra anymore, i’m a darn Unicorn. 246x0w My geneticist point blank told me, as of now, there is NO ONE to help me. No one knows what this mutation can cause, or what it can do. They’ve never seen it before. He’s advised me to seek out Duke and Johns Hopkins Research Department if they’d take me on as a patient. I did reach out to them this morning. It’s terrifying. Being told there’s no way to help you, that we don’t even know what’s going on or what can happen. It’s just overwhelming and so scary. I have low frequency hearing loss, and hearing loss is common with other variants of this gene. I’m being fitted on July 24th for hearing aids. I’m 33 and getting hearing aids… It’s just wow. My rheumatologist, whom I absolutely adore, felt so bad that there’s nothing he can do to help. He still feels somehow MS is involved, he also mentioned Duke or Johns Hopkins is where I need to go. So if that’s where I have to go, that’s where i’ll go. What’s scarier to me, is it looks like I’m a carrier for this genetic mutation. My first question to my geneticist was,”How does this affect my son?” My son will have to be tested, as does my mom, to see if she has a milder version of a variant, or nothing at all. The change my son has this is overwhelming to me. It’s scary. I’m determined to become the absolute best advocate I can possibly be. I’m going to make noise, and i’m going to be heard. Someone has to be willing to listen and help me! Be ready y’all. It might get loud!

Yes.fit… who’s heard of it? They do virtual races. You do them on your own pace. It’s great. Cycle, walk, swim. Any steps or movement counts! I did one recently, and completed it. It was nerve wracking, and I did it completely at my own pace. We should definitely do one together! Motivate and empower each other! Who’s with me?!

Alright… Now I want to do a few live events, talks or chats. Who would like that?? My etsy store has also expanded. How exciting? New shirts, i’m focusing on empowering and positive messages!

In the midst of all this, I’ve been really struggling with my insecurities. It’s been very hard to see past them, and overcome them. My friends have been os supportive, it’s meant the world to me. My counselor has helped me to focus on positives and do thought stopping exercises. My tube doesn’t define me, it doesn’t change me. I lost sight of that. I’m slowly finding my way again. We often can lose sight of this when struggling, it’s important we focus on ourselves and self care. Feeding tubes, ports, Piccs, mobility aids don’t define us. Using them, having them doesn’t change our identity. Our identity is not rooted in our diagnosis. So many lose sight of that, so many let their diagnosis become their identity. Hope… we’ve lost it, let’s find it! join my facebook group, “Finding Hope”. Let’s lift each other up, and encourage each other!

Now my beautiful readers, Go Shine. Don’t let your sparkle dull. Be the absolutely best you, that you can be!!!!

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You are not a burden…

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I’m sorry I’ve been absent for the last few months. A lot happened and I’ve been trying to process and deal. My gastroparesis has become a complete nightmare. On top of that I had to move unexpectedly. All this caused some major emotional distress and resulted in a depression/anxiety flare from hell. Lots of therapy sessions, crying and talking it out has gotten me back to a good place.

My-Story-1

In March my gastro team decided a feeding tube was necessary. I wasn’t getting the nutrients i needed, and was becoming malnourished. I was barely eating anything. I couldn’t tolerate solid foods, nor liquids. I was averaging maybe 1000 calories a WEEK!!! This wasn’t good, not at all. My gastro team had suggested a J-Tube in November 2018, if things worsened. I wasn’t ready for that. I was scared. However, I knew I needed help, I needed something to help me get the nutrients my body so desperately needed. So, it was decided March 11th, I’d get my J-Tube. I was going to travel to my gastro team in Tampa. I discussed it with my dad, and made the plans. We talked Thursday, I explained to my dad how my levels were dropping, and I was becoming malnourished. He said he didn’t like the idea of a feeding tube and it wasn’t able to him until I was 105lbs. What, 105lbs, i’d be dead or nearly dead at that weight. However, he said he’d help and watch my son for the two days for me…

Unfortunately things changed drastically that weekend. Things changes as such that I had to move unexpectedly and within that week. I called my best friend Emily on the way home. She came and talked to me, leant me her shoulder. I had days to move. I needed to coordinate packing and moving in just a few days. I can’t lift furniture, I can’t over do it.. Yet I had no choice. My friends Chelsea, Emily and Aly rallied around me that weekend. Chelsea spent two days with me, just days after she had surgery. She was there, helping me pack. Sorting through everything. By Sunday, I had a lot done. We had help to move my furniture into storage. I moved as much as I possibly could into storage. I called my mom, we coordinated my move there.

Through all this I had to cancel my surgery, no J-tube for me. I had no time, I needed to move and get things settled here at my Mom’s. The emotional toll was heavy. This sent me into a flare, this made me feel unworthy, a burden. This made me feel so low and unloved. This affected my relationship with many people. If my dad could turn his back on me, who else could??? Sadly this affected my relationship, and still is to this day. I’ve been doing therapy weekly, working through my emotions, feelings and everything.

While settling at my mom’s my gastroparesis just wasn’t cooperating. I couldn’t tolerate much of anything. It was bad. My mom saw first hand how I was suffering. I was scared, I was so so so hungry but eating caused such horrible pain, bloating and nausea. I couldn’t handle it every time I ate. I was so tired of feeling sick. Finally I caved. I called my gastro, I explained how things were. Bloodwork showed I was deficient in a lot, I was becoming malnourished. My weight started dropping. I was so weak and tired. My mom’s support meant the world to me. We finally rescheduled my J-tube placement for April 11th. We showed up that day, prepared for surgery. Finally i’d be getting the nutrition I needed. Oh how wrong we were. Sadly my surgery failed. They couldn’t place my tube. My doctor said it was like someone glued my intestines together. What he didn’t know was that I had stage 4 endometriosis years ago. I had it on my bowels. I had so many surgeries to deal with my endo. I cried, I was so confused. I felt so defeated. This failure led to my needing a surgical team to place it. My gastro was able to get me into the surgeon within days.

I met with the surgeon. I wasn’t prepared for that appt. He feels my entire GI system is failing. I’m having swallowing issues, and issues with my bowels. He’s concerned if my system is failing, what do we do?? He said my nerve damage/EDS/Dysautonomia has caused this massive storm within my GI system. I couldn’t even process it. We discussed feeding tubes, possible colostomy.. How, how could this be my life now?? It’s not fair. From that appointment, within one week we had rescheduled my GJ placement. April 25th… what a lot to process from that appointment. Feelings of being a burden popped back up, feeling abandoned. Just so many emotions to process. When we arrived to the hospital, i started getting nervous. Was I making the right decision? Do I really need this? I cried, my mom reassured me I was doing the right thing..We finally got my GJ placed, and sadly within a week, the ER broke it. This resulted in a 4.5 day admission to the hospital. It was ridiculous. The good though, getting the nutrients I need, finally was an amazing feeling. To use my tube, to realize this tube literally saved my life. It’s eye opening just how bad things were. Another few weeks and where would I have been?

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Through all this, I missed the comfort and support of my dad. He had no idea I was going through all this. I felt like a burden. All this, the lack of support, it takes a toll on you, both emotionally and physically. Not having the support you once had, it’s heartbreaking. It leaves you reeling, trying to figure out what YOU did wrong. I realized, this wasn’t on me. I did nothing wrong except try to let my parents know what was going on. I just wanted their support, compassion and understanding.

One thing that remained constant, my mom’s unending support and love. She rallied behind me, went to my appointments with me, we asked my team questions and made the best decisions for me. She’s been with me for every surgery, major diagnosis and through this entire journey. Her being a nurse has helped immensely. She’s helped me navigate this crazy stressful world of healthcare. She’s held me as I cried. Reassured me i’m still me, still loved and still beautiful. Each time I cried after surgery, she was there holding me, hugging me, lending me her strength and love. Having her in my corner has really helped me through this. She’s always been unwavering in her support of me when it comes to my medical care. Her here, holding my hand as I was prepped for surgery, then told it failed, was a godsend. Really, there’s nothing like the unconditional love of Mom. I’m thankful everyday she opened her home up to us, and has rallied around my son and I through this. I know with her, and my close friends in my corner, I can get through this. Je T’aime Maman.

I cried for days after my tube was placed. Every time I saw it I cried. Would I still be attractive? Am I still loved? Why? Why is this my life. I cried so much, I got so depressed. I decided to order a new bathing suit. Looking at myself, my body with this tube. Realizing this is my life. This is what is essentially helping keeping me alive. I’ve been through hell with my body. I’ve been through countless surgeries. Countless scars, 2 medical devices in my chest. Now I have one in my stomach.. This, this is alot to process. But you know what?? I’ve learned just how strong I am. I’ve learned i’m still me, I’m still a fighter. My scars tell a story, my body shows my journey. My fight for life. My fight and will to not let this illness destroy who I am. I’ve decided to embrace my tube, to live, to truly live.

This is the new me. The me that has to be tube fed due to gastroparesis, and intestinal dysmotility. It seems my entire GI system is malfunctioning. My Ehlers Danlos and Dysautonomia are wreaking havoc on my body. My levels were dangerously low, and I was malnourished. my weight was dropping rapidly. I fought hard to not get the GJ tube, unfortunately I had to make the best decision for myself and my health. I’ve struggled emotionally with this. I cried for two days every time I looked in the mirror. I struggled with the insecurities of this. This hasn’t been easy for me. I’ve lost friends, I’ve had family turn their back on me. I fight, I stand tall. The new me will rock this, I won’t be ashamed of it, for it doesn’t change me. It allows me to live. To get the nutrients my body so desperately needs. Without this, I’d be starving to death. And that isn’t an option. I look at myself and realize how strong I am. How hard I fight to never give up. This is Ehlers Danlos, this is Gastroparesis. Gastroparesis is a horrible disease, but i refuse to give up. My feeding tube saved my life. I’m going to embrace it.

I’m unstoppable. Most importantly, i’m NOT a burden. I’m not an inconvenience. I’m hoping to go back to school. Get my degree in Interior Design. I want to specialize in Handicap Accessible homes/businesses. All inclusive. I dream of having my own firm. I’ll get there. Some day. I’l do it, for i’m not giving up. I’m just getting started.. This phoenix will continue to rise from the ashes. My darlings, I want you to rise too. I want you to believe in yourself. Go after your dreams. Don’t give those up!!!

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From a Spouse’s Perspective

We hear so much of how being chronically ill affects us, but how does it affect our partners? What is it like from their perspective?? I quickly sent a text to my boyfriend, I explained I wanted to write a piece, essentially from his perspective. This is his view.

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Last night as I sat reading an article on The Mighty, about partners of those that are chronically ill, I was hit with curiosity. We hear so much of how being chronically ill affects us, but how does it affect our partners? How do they feel? What is this like from their perspective?? I quickly sent a text to my boyfriend, I explained I wanted to write a piece, essentially from his perspective. He said he’d love to help me. So, I sat down, typed out some questions and emailed them to him late last night. By 7:30am I had his replies.

Let me preface with this, we met in September 2011. He was there from day 1 when all of this started.

Without Further Ado,

From a Souse/Partner’s Perspective:

1) When at first when my health deteriorated, how did you handle or adjust to that?

I handled it like every other day and I don’t feel like I had to make any adjustments that I didn’t want to make on my own.

2) Did/Do you ever feel overwhelmed? If so, how did you deal with it?

I never feel overwhelmed personally, but I do feel bad that you get stuck, probed and prodded regularly by nurses, and doctors. You’re shuffled from specialist to specialist, all while hoping for answers.

3) Have you ever felt helpless? Being my partner and unable to fight off this monster of a disease.

No I don’t feel helpless because you’re the strongest person I know and if anybody can get through this, you can.

4) What is the hardest thing you’ve had to face in dealing with my health?

I would say the pacemaker scared the living hell out of me. That’s dealing with the heart, so many risks with that. It was kind of hard to handle but you amazed me with how you handled it like a champ.

5) Do you prefer when I shield you from the bad days, or disease progression? Or do you want the truth of how things are?

I want the truth about how things are, no matter what, your love and well being are my first priority.

6) What is your biggest frustration in dealing with my health?

My biggest frustration in dealing with your health is that sometimes your attitude on life gets to me. The eating/drinking issues, you won’t do it some days because you know how sick you’ll be after. So you don’t want to do it. That you won’t do the feeding tube, even though you need it. You let your family talk you out of doing what your doctors suggest. You also don’t see yourself as beautiful, you feel like the feeding tube, will make you less beautiful to me. Scars, or a feeding tube won’t make me love you any less, or see you any less beautiful and amazing. That’s really frustrating for me.

7) Being a caregiver to your girlfriend, have you ever resented the role?

I never resented the role. It’s a role that I choose to be in, because I love you.

8) If you could tell me anything about how you’ve seen my struggle with my body, what would it be??

Nothing, your body is flawless. Scars tell stories and you have a lot of stories to be told. Your never ending strength is amazing to witness.

9) What’s the most vivid memory you have of dealing with all this?What memory sticks out the most?

The day you got your walker. I felt you used it as an excuse to give up on physical therapy, of getting better, stronger.. You have problems walking yes, you tire easily, but I could see that you wanted to give up, instead of pushing through to overcome it. That was hard for me to see.

10) What’s the hardest thing you’ve had to deal with in regards to watching me struggle with my health?

When your self esteem drops. You’ve grown stronger in who you are, you’ve found your inner strength, your voice. You inspire people with your words, and your realness. However, Nothing about YOU has changed, you’re the same person you were when I met you. You don’t see the beauty I see when I look at you. That’s hard for me, that you don’t see what I see, what others see.

11) If there was anything you could change about my health or how I see things, what would it be?

Your health does not bother me, but how you see things does. Open your eyes, look around, you have a lot to live for. You have a lot to be happy about.

12) Have you ever wanted to walk away, leave?

I didn’t think that was an option. A real man or woman would stand next to their partner no matter what.

13) If you could give spouses/partners new to this any advice, what would it be?

Work hard with what you got, and above all find happiness and peace within yourself.

Reading his replies, it really put things into perspective. It made me see myself with different eyes. This man, he’s loved me unconditionally for 7 years. He’s held me as I cried, he’s calmed my fears. He was there through cardiac ablations, my passing out, losing strength to walk. He’s seen the good, the bad and the hell. He’s seen me angry, cry, and grieve over losing my healthy body. He’s talked to me as I had convulsion like episodes, he calmed me when I was upset. He reassured me when I was scared. He was my strength when I wasn’t strong. Most of all though, he’s loved me when I couldn’t love myself. He’s watched me as I slept to make sure I was still breathing. His never ending strength and love have really helped me grow as a person, it’s helped me grow into myself. He’s encouraged me, embraced me, challenged me, and loved me. He has pushed me to do things I love, to do things i’ve dreamt of. He’s my steadfast rock, my cheerleader and my biggest supporter.

It’s not easy being with someone that has many health issues, but as he said, nothing about that person has changed. Love is love. Love them wholeheartedly. Love them despite it all. Love them through the good and bad. When they feel like giving up, lend them your strength, cheer them on. I assure you, your love, strength and encouragement mean everything to us.

So to my amazing, loving boyfriend, from the bottom of my bionic heart. Thank you for all you’ve done for me, all you do for me, and all you will do in the future. Your encouragement and love mean the world to me.

Grá Go Deo,

End of the Year… Reflection

I’ve spent the last week or so reflecting on my year. My 2018 started out promising..it seemed to have spiraled a bit!

January was interesting. It was probably when I first started having doubt about getting married. By March, I was thinking of my ex boyfriend, dreaming of him more often, and really started second guessing the wedding. Though I pushed forward. My health was up and down. Dealing with Emergency laparoscopy in May, then a HUGE HIPPA violation at the hospital post-op. Which left me reeling, and extremely upset. May brought me un June, and my proteins levels in my urine were climbing, thus an emergency renal biopsy was done! This led to the discovery of my having Thin Basement Membrane Disease. My nephrologist put me back on iv fluids, lactated ringers to be precise, 3 times a week.

The summer was busy with wedding stuff and keeping my son entertained. Dealing with my health and exhaustion. Spending time with my son. August prepared us for Back to School. August was the start of the spiral. I ended up canceling my wedding. Ending my engagement. So much has happened since then. In, September I reconnected with someone from my past, someone whom I’ve loved for 7 years. October, November led to may seeing him for the first time in 5 years. What an emotional moment that was. It had to happen though, we both needed to see each other, say what we both needed to say to the other that we never got the chance to. December led to health concerns, reconnecting with love, but most importantly time for reflections. It also led to my starting therapy. Therapy has been a godsend for me. It’s allowed me to really work through my emotions, and process it all. It’s a safe place for me to just unload my concerns, emotions and everything.

December also led to my son being diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, High Functioning. We suspected it, having some answers has been amazing, but learning and navigating things with him is hard. I’m determined to learn all can, and find ways to help him be the best him he can be!!! We attended a football and hockey game! He’s starting soccer, he’s excited, but he’s also well aware of how overwhelmed he can get. We’re trying to find techniques for him, to make things a bit easier. It’s a learning process, we’ll get through it.

I’ve spent the last few months reflecting so much. Reflecting why I made the decision I did all those years ago. I’ve thought that maybe I should leave again, maybe he deserves someone worthy, someone not sick. I don’t want to be a burden. I’ve struggled with depression the last few months, especially the last month. Christmas was hard, for emotional and financial reasons. There’s days I feel like a failure as a mom. There’s days I cry at all I have to deal with. Days I feel like a failure as a girlfriend. My biggest biggest thing, is my self esteem. it’s such a struggle some days. There’s times I feel absolutely stunning, and others I’m like “WTF, what does he see in me?”… He tells me every day i’m beautiful, but he said this: “It doesn’t matter how much I say it, until YOU believe it for yourself”. How right he is, no matter how much he tells me i’m beautiful, it won’t matter unless I start to see it and believe it! My depression is sinking, it’s swirling around me. I sit here and cry wondering how I left 5 years ago, how I walked away from someone that loved me so unconditionally. I’ve become stuck in that loop. Instead of seeing he’s here, he’s still loving me, i’m stuck in the why, i’m stuck on the feeling like an annoyance, feeling like a burden. I know i’m not, but sometimes, in that moment it’s hard to see past it. It’s a struggle lately, a struggle sometimes I can’t overcome. I refuse to walk away again, no matter how string the fear is, no matter how scared I am. I can’t walk away from him again. If I do, i’ll lose him forever, i’ll lose my heart.

This year was full of struggles, full of hard decisions I had to make. Full of trials and tribulations, tears of pain, tears of laughter, tears of love. Ending my engagement, but finding my way back to someone I loved so fiercely, it’s scary. I’m working to let it all go. I can’t control everything, I can’t control the future. What I can control, is myself, my feelings, my reactions. I control me. I am choosing to let go of my insecurities, to let go of my fears. I’m ending 2018, i’m ready to let it all go. Let all the hell of this past year go. Let the self esteem struggles go. I’m choosing to wake up tomorrow, Jan. 1, refreshed, and on a new page for the next chapter of my life. I’m choosing to live, to be happy, to be loved! I’m choosing to let go of negativity, to let go of those that don’t bother in my life. I’m choosing to surround myself with supportive, loving, understanding people. I’m writing my story, i’m sharing my soul. For I have so much I wish to do, I refuse to be held back any longer by my fears or my insecurities.

2019 is going to be my year. My year for laughter, for friendships, for love, for inspiring others, for travel. 2019 is going to be the year I decide to move past the fear, and fully embrace who I am, fully embrace the past that I can’t change, fully embrace the future that is yet to happen. I am choosing to end 2018 by letting it all go. I choose to follow my path, be positive, happy and loved! I am choosing to let go and let God. If I don’t let go of the fear, I won’t live. I won’t accomplish anything I wish to, for the fear is holding me back.

I’m loved, i’m blessed, and without a doubt, you all are loved as well. You’re never alone. If you ever feel that way, reach out to me, I will listen. I will be here. Together we can build each other up.

Be you! Be Fierce, but most importantly, be true to yourself. Never give up your hopes and dreams. Lets all start 2019 off full of hope, full of dreams. My story is just starting…stay tuned…

My new reality…

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I’ve been dealing with health issues. My gastroparesis has flared to a hellish point. It’s become extremely problematic, to the point i’m hardly able to eat, and i’m living in constant severe nausea. I’ve lost weight, most haven’t noticed because i’m wearing baggy clothes to hide how much I’ve lost.

However, things have come to a head. My kidneys are struggling, my POTS is out of control, and i’m beyond exhausted. I’m malnourished and not absorbing what I need from the food I am eating. Last Monday I saw a specialist 3 hours away. My best friend Jen was with me. She held my hand, and rubbed my back as the doctor told me, I need to accept this particular procedure I need done..a feeding tube. A J-Tube to be exact. I cried, I immediately had a moment of panic.

The doctor said I’m basically starving…. Now you may ask, how did no one notice? How did no one close to me realize this?? Simple, I’ve kept just how bad things have gotten to myself. My family didn’t know, my best friends didn’t know. Only one person had an inkling, he knew something was wrong beginning of November, but I tried to seem fine, I tried to brush it off. Until I couldn’t. Now things have come to a head. Things are bad, but we can still salvage it. There’s hope, I just have to push like hell to turn it all around.

Today as I sat in my local gastro’s office, we made a plan. A new Gastric Emptying Study, another endoscopy, then we do the J-Tube. I need it done soon, before I land in the hospital. I’m scared, i’m angry, I feel so alone. My family hasn’t been very supportive the last few months. I’m basically coping with all of this and more on my own, and a few, select friends. I texted my best friend telling her this is why I walked away 5 years ago from a relationship. I didn’t want to be a burden, I didn’t want to drag him down this hell with me. 5 years ago I walked away from someone that loved me unconditionally because I didn’t feel worthy. Today, I had the momentary panic of doing it all over again. We came full circle 5 years later, and here i’m facing this hell. I’m facing my body failing me, but I can’t make that decision for him. Not this time.

Why did I panic? I felt unattractive. Realizing i’ll have this tube sticking out of my stomach, and an iv in my chest, it was too much. Why would someone want to deal with all this? Why would someone put up with all this? The answer is so simple..Love. However, I am still so scarred from the abusive past I had, i’m still insecure in moments, I get stuck. Now though, i’m tired of it. I’m tired of letting my insecurities rule me. I’m fierce, i’m strong, i’m witty, I have amazing eyes. I’m beautiful. I’m me. No one can build me up, but me.

“You will be sexy and beautiful no matter what.”….. thats the text I got when I shared my concern with him. I’m so stuck on seeing it all as bad, he’s busy seeing me a a warrior, a fighter. He’s busy seeing PAST it all.
So, while I fear living with a feeding tube, i’m determined to own it. I’m determined to rock it like a damn pin up model. I’m determined to let go of my insecurities and live life, and love life. More importantly, to love myself and my body. I’m determined to find a photographer to work with me, and rock some pictures. Some might find it odd. Me? I find it empowering. This feeding tube is literally my lifeline right now. I need this, I need to let go of my fears, my insecurities and do what I need to feel confident. Having a feeding tube doesn’t make me unattractive. It doesn’t make me less of a person. I think as patients we can’t see the good, we can’t see our beauty. We’re too focused on the bad, too focused on what makes us feel bad, unattractive. Let’s break the cycle. Let’s silence those thoughts. Let’s lift each other up, lets build ourselves up. We’re worthy, we’re beautiful and amazing. We’re so much more than our health. We’re warriors, we’re strong. We deserve all our hopes and dreams.

So dream, love and live!! Let’s work together to let go of the negative and embrace what we do love about ourselves… Lets create a community of being empowered.

Be+Empowered

What do I love about me??

Fierce
Strong
Independent
loyal
Caring
Supportive
Witty
Funny
Inspiring
Ambitious
Hopeful
I’m beautiful.
I’m me.

Be Fierce..Be Strong, Be YOU!!!

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From a Souse/Partner’s Perspective:

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Be Fierce..Be Strong, Be YOU!!!

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